What have I told you about delivering salads to dogs?

The phone rings…

“I’ve been bitten by a dog!” screams my wife.

“Where?” I ask.

“On my ankle.”

“No, where were you?”

“I was delivering a salad.”

“What have I told you about delivering salads to dogs?”

“It’s not funny. It’s a serious bite on my ankle.”

Anybody in this type of situation – pumped-up on adrenalin – can be prone to exaggeration, but I needed to know exactly how bad it was in case I had to leave work and pick up the kids.

“Has anyone else seen it?” I probed.

“Yes. The plasterer.”

“The plasterer! Where the hell are you? The Annual Plasterer’s Dog Show?”

“This isn’t helping.”

“What did he say?”

“He said it looked: ‘Nasty’.

We’re venturing into unknown medical waters here. I’ve never seen a dog bite story where a salad was involved and the victim was left so delusional that they asked a plasterer for a medical assessment.

“Do I need a tetanus jab?” she asks.

“I don’t know. What does the plasterer think?”

The only thing I know about dogs is that if you run one over you have to call the Police. I found this out after my mother knocked one over. She called me the day after the incident. Her voice was still trembling. She described how she’d just been out on a late-night shopping trip to Sainsbury’s. About how the dog had scampered out from a bush and bounced off the front nearside wing.

“What did the Police say? Are you in trouble?” I asked her.

“No, I’m not in trouble,” she said.

“Did they take pity on you because of your age?”

“No, I told them it was a fox. You can run them over.”

To be honest, I think this is very specific knowledge. You’re only going to know the legal requirements surrounding the hitting dogs, as opposed to foxes, if you’re doing it a lot. And judging by the amount of dents in my mum’s car, it looks like she’s on a mission.

The adrenalin surging through my wife’s body is starting to fade and is slowly being replaced by fury.

“The owner hasn’t even apologised,” she snarls.

“She’s probably embarrassed,” I reason. “She must be mortified that her dog has bitten someone. Now everyone in the village is going to be scared of approaching her dog with a salad.”

My wife lets out a chuckle. “Can you pick me up?” she asks.

“Sure, and to make you feel better, would you like my mum to take another ‘late-night trip to Sainsbury’s’?”