About

 

The short.

I’m a freelance writer and I live somewhere deep in the heart of Yorkshire with my wife and two children.

My wife and I also own and run a 50’s style cafe in our small village, and I have just recently ‘come out’ to all my friends and family as a lover of country music; please don’t judge me.

The long.

When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to do: I wanted to write for Viz. I also wanted to invent an invisibility potion so that I could spy on Bendy Wendy, but that didn’t work out.

I started my writing career full of hope and enthusiasm, but the only job I could get after I left school was on the night shift of a Swiss roll factory, where the motto was; roll one, eat one.

As I stuffed Swiss rolls into my face at 4am, it dawned on me that earning a living as a writer was going to be a rocky road, which by the way, is also the name of a chocolate snack; there’s a theme here.

Then I had a brilliant idea, an idea that ended up getting me the sack, more of that in a future blog post I think, but on the upside, I walked straight into another job… at a doughnut factory.

Throughout all this time I had been posting ideas to Viz, all of which were rejected, so I went to university. After graduation, I landed a job working for Granada Media in London as an online news editor. I was still sending ideas to Viz. They were still rejecting them. I was still eating Swiss rolls.

Here’s one of the many rejections I received.

Screen shot 2015-05-30 at 11.14.13

Luckily, a job came up at Yorkshire Television, so I relocated back home where I met my wife and we started a family. One boy, one girl. I’m quick like that. I started picking up freelance contracts and ended up doing the kind of work I had always wanted to do, then my wife dropped a bombshell.

A shop unit had come up for lease next door to our child’s primary school. She wanted to pack in her mundane office job and open up a vintage cafe, so that she could spend more time with the kids. It was the height of the recession, and to offset the risk, she asked me to ‘take one for the team’ and get a mundane office job. Apparently, we were playing mundane office job roulette.

With a heavy heart I took the mundane office job, and three months later I got my first acceptance letter from Viz. A seed I had planted some twenty years earlier had blossomed just when I needed it, and this to me is what freelance writing is all about: years of crap followed by wondering if they’ve sent the acceptance letter to the wrong house.

Here’s the piece that finally made the grade.

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The cafe is now supporting itself, and we sell everything but Swiss rolls. I have packed in the mundane job, I am back freelancing and I’m looking forward to Viz publishing my next piece in 2035.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “About

  1. Pingback: Discussing vasectomies at BritMums Live | Dad Blog UKDiscussing vasectomies at BritMums Live - Dad Blog UK

    • Thanks Emma, i really have to push myself to write anything nowadays and the About page was way down on my list until I saw a couple of really good ones, and realised I had to knuckle down and get on with it.

  2. Pingback: Before I had a wife. . . | Dad Blog UKBefore I had a wife. . . - Dad Blog UK

    • Thanks Katy, and say thanks to Mam and Dad too. It was a perfect night and I’m really overwhelmed with how nice and welcoming the parent blogging community has been to me, they’re a great bunch.nthanks again Katy

    • We will be glad to receive you. I will get my most stern waitress, Vinegar Tits, to serve you. She’s firm but fair

  3. I was desperate to write for Empire magazine back in the day – the closest I came was a review of the film “Society” for The Richmond and Twickenham Informer. It starred Billy Warlock of Baywatch fame – look it up – worst film ever with possibly most unintentionally hilarious sex scene. They never even published my review but hey at least I got to luxuriate in a free orange juice – press only! – in Wardour Street.
    Nice to know that it is possible to make a bit of a career out of writing freelance – maybe I’ll try it one of these days when I’m finished with my incredibly badly paid job as a referee on the six vs three year old battlefields…

  4. Pingback: Sunshine, What Sunshine? | THE LIFE OF TONT

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