I love long, drawn-out bouts of tension so I decided to revamp the bathroom during a pandemic.
When working on such a tense DIY project with your wife it is wise to start an online diary, so that officials can trace your last known movements before your body is washed up on the west coast.
My wife has just pointed out that I am grossly exaggerating the situation and I was never in any ‘real’ danger because she has only ever stabbed one person. Fair point.
Remember, if you’re doing the work yourself, you will be without a bath or shower for a long time, and due to the Covid lockdown, we can’t use anybody else’s shower, so what did we do?
Our plan is to stand in a baby bath and use a big jug of water. The wife also bought a big pink sponge which gives her something to rest her fag on.
During a pandemic toilet revamp you may lose your job. Don’t blame me, I don’t make the rules.
Don’t worry, my work dried up and I had to reach out to friends for some financial help. Here’s my letter, and you can use it as a template if you wish:
I am not a man to beat around the bushes, so I’ll give it to you straight. To make ends meet I’ve had to go back to my old profession, unfortunately, I don’t have enough money to buy all the equipment, so if someone could lend me a fireman’s helmet and a thong I would be most grateful.
Remember, by day 3 you will have lost your day job and been up all night doing online erotic dancing dressed as someone from the emergency services, so you may be tired.
The good thing is that you can take all your frustrations out on the project. I hacked all the plaster off the walls, leaving me with a blank canvas to work with.
I advise putting all the rubble in the bath, and spending the rest of the day trying to create a play on words around rubble/bubble bath. Be aware, it is impossible to make this joke work, so your online fans may fear that you’re losing your edge.
When working with your partner it is wise to set up clear boundaries. Our arrangement was pretty simple, I did all the dirty work, and she kept a vigilant eye on the Daily Mail website. I’m joking of course, my wife was in charge of ordering things. This division of labour gives you the opportunity to say things like: “What the fuck has she bought now?” If you like saying things like this, this is boom time for you.
This is a picture of one item we had delivered to which I shouted the immortal line.
Initially I was scared to approach it, but eventually I went out to show it that I come in peace and that I meant no harm.
I have a regular plumber that I use, but the last time I hired him he tried to chat up my mother, which is odd, because my mother is regularly mistaken for Elton John.
I have his number if anyone wants him to come round to stare at their mothers. I think he charges by the hour.
At this point you will realise it’s 2020 and that no one reads online diaries anymore, so you will have to make a video diary that can be monetised on ticktock, which is both a fun entertainment app and a Chinese data trawling farm.
Bear in mind, after posting several video diaries online, viewers will feel compelled to send cute smiley emojis and death threats. Don’t worry, this is normal internet commentary.
If you do receive a death threat, give me a ring and I’ll send my plumber round.
I have to admit that my videos were pretty boring so I had to come up with a fresh new concept to attract what the cool kids call: sticky eyeballs.
Here it is:
Note: if you cannot see this video then I may have come to a grisly end and I would appreciate it if you could scour the west coast for my remains. Many thanks in advance.