So here it is; what you’ve all been waiting for. Finally, after running a cafe with my wife for 7 years, here is my definitive review of dishwashers and mops.
Scientists have discovered that the force of an asteroid hitting the planet is equal to that of a teenage waitress slamming a dishwasher door after an argument with her boyfriend. This is, of course, untrue. It’s equivalent to two asteroids.
The dishwasher in my cafe has been used 5 times a day, 7 days a week for 7 years; it’s indestructible. The Bosch Classix has survived 300 kid’s birthday parties, and emerged unscathed after our waitress Sonja found out her boyfriend had kissed Tonisha at Debbie’s party.
Affordable with an impressive array of rinse options, I can’t recommend this product highly enough. As I’ve already mentioned, it’s great at surviving the door slams of betrayed teenagers, but the external shell is also really sturdy, which makes it ideal for waitresses to slump against while they’re texting or crying.
I once stumbled upon a waitress sobbing in the kitchen. It was an awkward moment because the customers could see her through the cowboy doors. Her torso was obscured, but her ankles and face were on display. Ideal for perverts who get off on heads and ankles.
I had to act with speed and sensitivity, so I bent her over the counter. Hey presto, she could continue crying and the customers couldn’t see her. Plus, I found that she calmed down if I kept asking – as she choked back the tears – how she was getting on with the beef baguette order.
Vileda. SuperMocio Soft Mop.
Many experts believe that the pink-headed duck is extinct. One intrepid explorer, Richard Thorns, my old flatmate from university, has devoted his life to scouring Burma in the hope of finding one alive. So far, he has been 4 times and it has cost him £10,000. But I hold out more hope of him finding the world’s rarest bird, than one of my teenage waitresses finding the mop and bucket.
We have a Vileda mop but I can’t write a full review until Sonja actually uses it. Don’t hold your breath.
With all this in mind, I’ve crafted a new advert to attract waitresses, which I am going to stick up in the window of the cafe this afternoon. I’d appreciate your feedback.
Do you know what this is?
Can you cry and make beef baguettes at the same time?
Does your boyfriend know Tonisha?
If you answered: Yes. Yes. No. Please email: Julian @Cafe Village.
To see how my old mate Richard Thorns, or as he’s now known, The Crowborough Twitcher, is getting on hunting down the pink-headed duck, it’s all here