What have I told you about delivering salads to dogs?

The phone rings…

I’ve been bitten by a dog!” screams my wife.

Where?” I ask.

On my ankle.”

No, where were you?”

I was delivering a salad.”

What have I told you about delivering salads to dogs?”

It’s not funny. It’s a serious bite on my ankle.”

Anybody in this type of situation – pumped-up on adrenalin – can be prone to exaggeration, but I needed to know exactly how bad it was in case I had to leave work and pick up the kids.

Has anyone else seen it?” I probed.

Yes. The plasterer.”

The plasterer! Where the hell are you? The Annual Plasterer’s Dog Show?”

This isn’t helping.”

What did he say?”

He said it looked: ‘Nasty’.

We’re venturing into unknown medical waters here. I’ve never seen a dog bite story where a salad was involved and the victim was left so delusional that they asked a plasterer for a medical assessment.

Do I need a tetanus jab?” she asks.

I don’t know. What does the plasterer think?”

The only thing I know about dogs is that if you run one over you have to call the Police. I found this out after my mother knocked one over. She called me the day after the incident. Her voice was still trembling. She described how she’d just been out on a late-night shopping trip to Sainsbury’s. About how the dog had scampered out from a bush and bounced off the front nearside wing.

What did the Police say? Are you in trouble?” I asked her.

No, I’m not in trouble,” she said.

Did they take pity on you because of your age?”

No, I told them it was a fox. You can run them over.”

To be honest, I think this is very specific knowledge. You’re only going to know the legal requirements surrounding the hitting dogs, as opposed to foxes, if you’re doing it a lot. And judging by the amount of dents in my mum’s car, it looks like she’s on a mission.

The adrenalin surging through my wife’s body is starting to fade and is slowly being replaced by fury.

The owner hasn’t even apologised,” she snarls.

She’s probably embarrassed,” I reason. “She must be mortified that her dog has bitten someone. Now everyone in the village is going to be scared of approaching her dog with a salad.”

My wife lets out a chuckle. “Can you pick me up?” she asks.

Sure, and to make you feel better, would you like my mum to take another ‘late-night trip to Sainsbury’s’?”

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