My family love rain and angry locals so we’ve popped down to Cornwall for a holiday.
The cottage is great but the TV reception is a bit sketchy. So to provide some alternative entertainment, I bought an inflatable kayak and got a pair of teens to blow it up.
They actually had a lot of fun. And when we stood back to admire their achievement, we were all in agreement that the kayak was an absolute death trap.
It should really be called a ‘rubberised death machine’ but I appreciate that may narrow its audience.
We’re now half way through the ‘holiday’ and we’re all ready to kill each other. I’m the prime target, due to putting the cereal bowls back in the wrong cupboard.
My defence that the cottage’s cupboards were ‘new and unfamiliar’ to me, and that I meant ‘no harm’ have fallen on deaf ears. I have been told to sit outside in the rain while they think about what to do with me.
To be honest, they don’t deserve me. I shall threaten to take my irritations elsewhere. The Lady Buckingham-Fosbury has shown a keen interest. From now on I shall enquire about putting my bowls in her pantry.
Down at the beach. I can totally understand why they put this image on the boogie board, because nothing says surfing more than a white horse that’s tried get its snout in the beetroot jar.
At some point during the holiday you will inevitably fall into a plant while your wife is taking a selfie. In my case, I sat on a bench thinking there was backrest but my faith was misguided. Best thing to do is look bewildered, as though you have been pushed into the plant by an angry teen.
Beware! You’re skating on thin ice. You’ve already been busted misplacing cereal bowls. Falling into plants isn’t going to make you any more popular.
It’s the last day of the holiday. Time to build some bridges and apologise for your behaviour. Alternatively, you could do what I did, and just scour the beach for a family that looks a bit like yours and join them.