Orgies are better than interviews.

Calling all scientists!!!

In particular, those who enjoy meddling with the very fabrics of life. Have you by any chance managed to mutate a human with a potato? Because I think I’ve just had a two hour interview with one.

The interview…

So, can you tell us something interesting about yourself?” asks the hybrid potato man.

Well, I went to an orgy on a Monday night, I think. Unfortunately, this thought gets me aroused. Here’s a quick tip. Don’t get aroused in interviews, especially with potato people. And if you’re looking for more interview tips, don’t worry, my guide book: ‘Hard ons & Me’ will be out in the autumn.

Remember, it may seem that the interview is going badly, but you need to keep the faith. You don’t know what the interviewer is looking for. They might prefer a host of academic qualifications, a personality type that can gel with an existing team or someone that’s easily aroused near vegetables.

Anyway, back to the orgy…

It was 1989 and I was 19 years old. Things started pretty slowly until the host put on a Simply Red CD. Revellers started to meander from the kitchen to the living room. I didn’t follow them immediately, mainly because I was next in line to use the soda stream. Here’s another top tip. Don’t have sex with anyone called Sharon after you’ve had a barrel full of dandelion and burdock. They should write that on the label.

As I enter the living room, I see a group of spectators huddled in the centre. I barge my way through the group and discover that they are all watching two women kissing. I thought to myself, this moment is special. You need to remember every little detail because some day, you might need to talk about this in an interview.

I look around the room, and I quickly realise that there is nowhere to put my soda stream. Who has an orgy and doesn’t put out drink coasters? Suddenly, the vibe changes and the group start to get aroused. What’s just happened, I think, has someone just come in with a sack of vegetables?

I feel a wandering hand on my rear…

Anyway, back to the interview…

Only joking, I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s just to emphasise my point that orgies are more interesting than interviews. Which I feel obliged to do because otherwise the title of this post makes absolutely no sense.

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