An open letter to publishers of children’s books.

Dear publishers,

To aid stacking, can we just have 3 book sizes?

I was thinking of using small, medium and large. Not: small, smaller, middle, medium, square oblong, small but tall, tall but small, massive and postcard.


13 different sizes. Btw, I didn’t choose the carpet colour.

Here’s my plan, all books about the adventures of church mice should be this size:


By the way, I found three of these. How many adventures can church mice have? Church gets put up for sale, greedy developers move in and threaten their home. Mice rise up and scare them away by pretending to be human. This isn’t, The Matrix, we don’t need a trilogy. Just to clarify. All ‘mice turning human’ stories should be oblongish.

Books about yams. This size please:


You can have it. Calm down.

I am not allowed to give this book to charity because my wife has attached sentimental meaning to it. She used to read it to our son every night for a year. He now has a pathological fear of yam theft.

Obviously books about dinosaurs and monster trucks should be massive. To convey their massiveness.



I also call for a complete ban on all books that aren’t flat, as they are responsible for 90% of all book avalanches. I’m fed up of watching the Princess Poppy range sliding off my monster book of dinosaurs. Princess Poppy deserves better, even though she is a spoilt little bitch.

This is madness…


I don’t believe there is a sane person in the country who truly believes that a book about a penguin, who has a ‘devil may care’ attitude about where he pisses*, should be infinitesimally larger than a book about a tiger who came to tea, and the parent’s major concern was how much tea it drank.

Together we can escalate change.

Please join my campaign to increase the size of ‘The Tiger who came to tea’, by an amount that can barely be registered by modern measuring techniques.

*Note. I appreciate the Pingu pissing reference won’t make any sense unless you’ve seen the episode where he pisses on a trumpet. Utter filth.

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