Feeding the fish.

It’s Tuesday morning and I am getting the kids ready for school. I’m desperately searching for my daughter’s shoes when I notice my wife mooching about behind the car. She sees me, smiles and gives me the wanker hand sign.

I open the window.

Why are you doing that?” I ask.

It’s sign language for: Are you working from home today?”

This is quite insulting. Not every freelancer spends all day at home masturbating. Just for the record, I am working from home and I wasn’t planning on enjoying myself. But now she’s planted a seed. This is what happens when you get to my age. People have to remind you to masturbate. It’s like being reminded to feed the fish.

I carry on looking for the shoes but my mind is wandering. I’m trying to see how I can bend my schedule to accommodate this new development. It’s tricky and I even catch myself letting out a loud, desperate sigh.

There are several pitfalls that I’m trying to avoid. My wife is driving them to school. I can’t do it as soon as they leave because my wife might forget something and return. Eventually, I settle on a safe time, and if you work from home regularly, you’ll know exactly what that time is. Making a concrete decision lightens my mood and I congratulate myself on being flexible in an emergency.

Are they ready?” asks my wife.

They’re both ready,” I say and proudly point to two children wearing matching shoes.

Are you ok?” she asks.

Yes,” I reply. “Why?”

You’re smiling,” she says and eyes me suspiciously.

What time are you back from work?” I ask.

I don’t know,” she replies. “It could be any time.”

She’s on to me. To be honest, I don’t really want one, but I’ve put it in the diary now.

They leave. I lock the door and go into my office.

I click open my inbox and start sifting through my work emails. My mind wanders. If I get it over and done with now, then I can get on with my day unhindered. But I’m in the danger zone. My wife could come back at any moment.

I start the process.

My phone rings.

Hi, it’s me,” announces my wife, bright and breezy.

What do you want?”

I know what you’re doing.”

I’m not doing anything,” I say. “I’m just feeding the fish.”

Would you like me to come back and help you feed the fish.” she says suggestively.

I look at my schedule and sigh.

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