How it works: The teenage boy.

What do they spend their money on?


All teenage boys become obsessed with buying fireworks and thongs. It’s the ultimate combination of sex and danger. If someone invented an exploding thong, they’d hit the motherload.

I honestly don’t know why pop princesses dance around suggestively licking their fingers and shaking their bums. To get teenage boys hooked, all they need to do is set off a catherine wheel in the lingerie section of Marks and Spencers.

New hobbies.

As they physically grow and become stronger it’s a great opportunity for them to try out new hobbies and pastimes, but they can become quite expensive. My son has just started a new secret hobby that involves him using 5 bog rolls a week.



On the upside, my son’s new leisure pursuit has helped me create a supply chain that’s reduced my family’s impact on the environment. I harvest the used toilet roll tubes from son’s bedroom and feed them straight to the guinea pigs, who absolutely love eating them and sometimes… eachother. They don’t tell you that at the pet shop.

Recreating a sonic boom.


I hear on the news that teenage boys are falling behind in the sciences, but this doesn’t reflect my experiences. My son and his friends regularly try to recreate a sonic boom by slamming my car doors.

It can be quire a shocking experience, especially if you have an elderlery relative in the car or you’re transporting tropical fish. I’ve solved this problem by wrapping my elderly passengers in bubble wrap, and I’ve wound up my tropical fish delivery business which was called, Eels on Wheels.

Expressing themselves through art.

Regular readers of this blog may remember the pleasure & pain chair that my son made in primary school…


…as you can see it’s normal from the front but all spikey on the back. The chair scares the life out of me and has been banished to the loft where I occasionally hear it rocking. I’ve read many books on the behavioural psychology of children and they all say it’s totally norrmal for children to make scary green furniture.

The books also go onto say that it is just a phase and they should grow out of it when they hit their teens. This was confirmed when my son sent me a picture of his latest art project…


…and then I noticed that he’d given it a dog’s body…


Dog’s body eagle is now hanging in the spare room, where I occasionally hear it squawk barking.

Window shopping.

My wife and I once made the school boy error of employing a pretty waitress in our cafe. This attracted teen boys from all over the local region who stood outside my window and stared at her. And they would have had a pretty good glimpse of her too, if all the middle-aged men would have moved out of the way.

The large crowd was becoming a hazard, so I checked with the Board of Health and Safety and they said that the best way to get rid of a group of leering teens was to hit them with a broom. Which I did, and I’ve got to say they were pretty useless at getting out of the way. And with broom attacks being a daily occurance for teens, I really think they should put broom dodging on the syllabus.















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