“Shush. What’s that noise?” I whisper to my wife as I creep further under the bedsheets.
“How can I shush and tell you what it is?” she replies.
“It’s coming from the cupboard on the landing?” I say.
“It’ll be your granny. Coming back to haunt us,” she says with a dramatic flourish.
“She’s not dead.”
“Define dead,” she replies.
I know it’s definately not my granny because I can’t smell gin. It’s probably our son who has recently started sleepwalking. It’s a disturbing sight because he wears boxer shorts and he’s all balls-out. It’s like being stalked by an angry turkey.
“Go and check,” whispers my wife, and gives me a little shove.
“I can’t be arsed. You go,” I say. I receive a further – more motivational – shove and I let the momentum propel me out of bed. The next time they’re struggling to get the space shuttle off the launch pad, they should get my wife to give it a little slap.
I put my slippers on and reach under the bed to activate my new home security system, a baseball bat I’ve nicknamed, Stick Astley.
Mr Astley and I make our move.
“Stop,” whispers my wife rather alarmingly.
“What’s wrong?” I whisper back.
“You’re naked,” she replies.
“I don’t want your grandmother seeing you like that,” she says, and chuckles to herself. This goes on for a while.
With great caution, I edge out on to the dark landing, expecting to see a pair of bollocks in a trance, but it’s deserted. I hear a scrabbling noise coming from the landing cupboard.
I open the door…
Suddenly, something moves inside. It’s the unmistakeable scurrying sound of a guinea pig. If they’d have told me at the pet shop that every night guinea pigs like to take a UK short break to visit their holiday home in the cupboard, I’d have bought them a VW camper van so they could do it in style.
I close the door and tiptoe back into the bedroom.
“Was it your granny?” she asks.
“No. The guinea pig was trying to escape.”
“I tell you what. If that was your granny, I bet it’s not the first time she’s seen a naked man with a baseball bat,” she says and chuckles to herself. This goes on for a while.