I may be having sex later but I don’t know what type.

It’s Friday teatime and my wife is pestering me for some make-up sex. Problem is, I didn’t know we’d fallen out.

When did we argue?” I say.

We haven’t…yet,” she replies. “But it’s still early…”

Why don’t we just have normal sex for a change?” I ask.

Tssk” she replies.

Thinking about it, I’m not sure what the difference is between my normal sex and my post-argument sex, but what I do know is that when you’re married to my wife you need to be aware that sex, no matter what type, may happen at any time.

Before disappearing through the door frame, she looks back over her shoulder and breathes seductively: “You need to argue with me. I’ll be in the front room…waiting.” I go back to slicing the carrots. A couple of beats later I think of a great argument that will send her insane; insane enough to have some kind of sex with me.

Ten minutes later I enter the room to drop my awesome argument.

I’ve been thinking,” I say, “maybe we should spend christmas at my family’s this year.”

Shut up!” she says with great conviction.

Is me talking about my family at Christmas making you horny?”

This is not a sex argument!” she shouts. “This is an argument, argument,” and then my wife angrily flaps our daughter’s school report in front of me.

If you’re unfamiliar with modern primary school reports, they consist of a coloured bar chart and your child’s progress is ranked by number. Good colours are, purple and blue; red is bad. The number and colour system comes with a key code. At present my daughter is a Green 2, which is exactly the same ranking as my new boiler.

Look… look,” she says. “Green 2. That’s your fault. It says here that she’s ‘easily distracted’. Easily distracted – that’s you. You’re easily distracted. We need to sort this out. My daughter’s not a Green 2. She’s a Purple 2. Anybody can see that.”

OK,” I say, “but let’s make it fun.”

Fun but harsh,” my wife says enthusiastically.

I can’t readily think of a learning technique for six-year-olds that is fun but harsh, but we both agree to try and improve her concentration in a fun learning environment; an environment where she won’t realise she’s actually learning a lesson. We need to trick her a little, but fortunately, she’s a Green 2, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

As part of my fun learning program, I sit my daughter on the couch and tell her to stare straight ahead while I do goofy stuff in front of her. She is not allowed to look at me. She just needs to sit and stare; no distractions.

I begin by going past her direct line of vision doing the MoonWalk. She starts giggling. I then go behind the couch and mime descending in an elevator. She giggles. Then, I see the door open – it’s my wife. It appears that she has written the 2 times table on her knuckles.

Look at Mummy’s knuckles!” she shouts. “Look at Mummy’s knuckles,” and then she moves like an angry crab from side to side in front of our daughter.

Two twos are what?” she shouts. “Four. Two twos are four! What are two twos? Look at Mummy’s knuckles. Look at Mummy’s knuckles!”

Before this whole thing started I was struggling to think of a learning technique that was fun but harsh, but now, now I don’t have that problem.

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Thanks to the wonderfully talented Heather @betamother for bringing my wife’s angry crab to life. See more from Heather here

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4 thoughts on “I may be having sex later but I don’t know what type.

  1. You utter bastard. This is hilarious (AGAIN). I’m so jealous that you just write this stuff but also so in stitches because of it that I’m actually OK with it existing. See how well my therapy’s paying off?

    Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

    • ha, OK thanks. I’m down to doing only about two a month now cos I find it hard to get the go-juice going but seeing my wife doing the angry crab and shouting “look at Mummy’s knuckles” just did me in.

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