Three things dads should avoid.

Drunk mums who brag about the strength of their pelvic floor.

Drunk mums; we all know one, are one or are married to one, but how do they let people know how strong their pelvic floor is when they are completely hammered at a kid’s birthday party? They do synchronised star jumps; that’s how.

They tend to hang around in the kitchen, so be vigilant when entering. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve gone into the kitchen at a party and seen a Gin Mummy doing star jumps and shouting, “Look at me! I’ve had four kids as well,” or “Look at me! I’m doing lunges and I haven’t spilled any wine.”

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Drunk mums go from  this…

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…to this in ten minutes. That’s less time than it takes the space shuttle to leave orbit.

 

Freerunning.

Freerunning, or Parkour as it’s known in France, is famous for spectacularly nosediving from cool to uncool in the fastest time ever; even quicker than flash mobs.

If you don’t know what Freerunning is, it’s a leisure pursuit that allows both amateurs and experts the opportunity to bang their knackers on park benches and then upload it to youtube. 

For some people testicles are important, and if you’re one of those people, Freerunning should be avoided at all costs until the day arrives when the male anatomy becomes so advanced that men can tie their testicles around their neck for safety, or wear them as a hat, just like what Pharrell does.

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The future may not be all jet packs and space travel, it could be bollock hats.

Jennifer Aniston’s perma-erect nipples in Friends.

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Only joking, don’t avoid these; record and pause all you want.  

Here’s how I cleverly hide the fact that I’m purely focused on the acting abilities of Aniston’s nipples while I am watching Friends.

Wife: Why are you watching Friends again?

Me: It’s so well written.

Wife: Which series is it?

Me: Not sure, how can you tell just by looking at it?

Wife: Easy, is Chandler fat or thin?

Me: Which one is, Chandler?

 

Unwarranted Flash Mob criticism explained.

‘Dude!’ I hear you saying in fluent ‘guy’ speak. ‘What you doing disrespecting flash mobs?’ I’m edgy, what can I say, but it’s quite easy once you’ve seen this, the laziest flash mob ever… http://bit.ly/1pEVipe

My son has just pointed out that what happens in the video isn’t actually a flash mob, it is in fact – real. Take off the rose-tinted glasses boy, as you get older you’ll come to realise that you’ll never find 20 knickerless catwalk models hanging about in the bus station.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Three things dads should avoid.

    • anistons nipples are bewitching There’s a 40year old guy does parkour in our village park, he’s constantly banging his bollocks on the skate board rail. His knackers are that swollen I thought the village was being invaded by a pair of zeppelins

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