My wife and I are busy planning our next spontaneous sex session.

As I get older I find that I am unable to have sex with my wife for a full 24 hours after she has eaten cottage cheese. This wouldn’t have stopped me in my younger days. Back then I was sexually adventurous; back then I would even have sex during the afternoon.

For me, it’s the texture and smell; I have developed a real phobia about it. I have to wait until the cottage cheese is completely flushed out of her system before I can pathetically rub my body against her; lucky lady. I don’t like shiny buttons either, or Quavers. In fact, for me to have sex nowadays my wife has to be in a wetsuit eating crackers during an eclipse. This isn’t a one way street of course, there are certain things that I ingest that puts my wife off sex, such as onions and oxygen.

With this in mind, my wife and I started planning our next spontaneous sex session. I looked across the kitchen table at her; she was eating cottage cheese so that ruled out Monday and Tuesday. I moved onto Wednesday and noticed that I had a moderate workload scheduled, so Wednesday was out too.

My son shuffled in.

Guess what?” he said. My son is twelve years old and all of his conversations start in this cryptic fashion. Being the parent of a pre-teen is like being a contestant on 3-2-1.

My wife ignored our son, looked at me and asked, “What about Thursday?”

Not sure,” I replied “What’s for tea on Thursday?”

Gammon,” she replied. I turned up my nose. I don’t think gammon is classed as an aphrodisiac. I very much doubt that they give porn stars gammon and peas before they shoot a scene.

My son slammed the fridge door shut, and a couple of the fridge magnets lost their will to grab onto kid’s party invites, releasing them onto the floor. “Is nobody listening to me?” he shouted from the centre of a party invite dust cloud.

OK, sorry,” I replied. “What happened?”

My son became enthused, a trait you see less and less as they get older, so I savoured it and mentally locked the image away so I could refer to it the next time he is being unlikeable, “A girl at school got caught with a bottle of vodka in her locker.”

My wife and I both stopped trying to schedule sex, and listened to our son’s vodka in a locker anecdote.

Has she been expelled?” I asked.

I don’t know, what are you asking me for?” he replied sulkily, flounced out of the room and slammed the door, wafting all the invites across the room.

My wife munched on some more cottage cheese. “Friday?” she said rather hopefully.

Salad?” I asked; she nodded. “OK, let’s do Friday.”

My wife’s expression slowly changed from resignation to concern, “Do you think we should have asked him a bit more about the vodka in the locker?”

Yes,” I replied, “but let’s wait until he’s sobered up a bit first.”

16 thoughts on “My wife and I are busy planning our next spontaneous sex session.

    • Thanks, my wife’s just read my post and told me she’s having cottage cheese every day for the next 6months haha

      • I wish that would work on my husband! 😉 Btw, just emailed you, something to do with Chats with Dads, a feature I do on my blog. Look forward to hearing from you … hopefully.

  1. I hate you, Julian. You have just given me a vision of what it’s going to be like to deal with our oldest in 4-5 years’ time … 😉

    • Haha, it’s challenging, one minute he’s into boy things, then it’s adult stuff, its all vodka and coco pops at the moment

  2. Pingback: Something for the weekend: Who says romance is dead? | Slouching towards Thatcham

  3. Sounds pretty good to me. You should try having sex with a teenage daughter in the next bedroom.
    “Is Dad alright?”
    “Yes. Why?”
    “It’s just that I heard groaning last night. Sounded like he was in pain. I wondered if I should phone an ambulance…”

    • haha, I need a decent run up to sex nowadays. Back in my heyday I used to ‘pre-heat’ the oven, if you know what I mean, now I just go straight from frozen to burnt

    • hi, thanks. 12 is such a funny age, my daughter is 6 and she just loves watching her older brother shuffling around being grumpy.

  4. Ha ha I honestly don’t think anything puts my husband off! We have taken to ‘scheduling’ it though, mainly because we need the kids to be in bed before us (a rarity these days) or on a sleepover!

    • Haha, yeah sleepovers are good. I once tried talking dirty to the missus when we were changing the sheets on our bed, then I looked round and one of my son’s mate was stood in the doorway with a Wii controller and had come up to ask us for some more batteries, nearly died of embarrassment.

  5. I too have a strong fear of cottage cheese.
    My Mum is a nurse and she once told me that she squeezed a huge boil off a guys head and loads of cottage cheese-esque stuff came out of it.
    Huhuhuh huh!
    So I ain’t eaten cottage cheese since. Or cheese sauce.

    As for scheduling sex…yes! I write it in the diary here and warn my husband about it so that he can plan to stay conscious past 8.30 to complete the transaction. I married an older man and boy am I paying for it now!

    • ha, us older guys need a decent run up to sex nowadays. Cottage cheese is definitely my Kryptonite. The smell, the texture, the overall similarity to boil puss, why would anybody think, hmmm bet that would taste nice on a cracker?

    • Hi, just been on your blog and can’t find a way to put my humorous reply of ‘this ‘about’ page is fablas’ on your about page. how do I do it?

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