When my wife’s not shouting at me, I like to spend this ‘downtime’ by shouting at the kids. I know this isn’t a great use of my time, I would much rather spend it shouting at a few parents whose kids have been mean to my kids. But how can you lose your rag with other parents and then not feel awkward on the school drop-off?
Here’s a top tip I’ve learned recently, and it works like a charm. I know, because someone did it to me. You can subtly persecute other parents by volunteering to organise the school summer fair. Apparently, that’s what it’s there for.
Joining the School Summer Fair Committee will give you free rein to order around some of those sickeningly enthusiastic parents from year 1, and sadistically stick them on the coconut shy with some of those jaded parents from year 5, who specifically said they didn’t want to do the ‘bloody’ coconut shy again. That’s me, by the way.
Because one of my kids insulted a committee member’s kid 6 years ago, the committee exact their revenge by sticking me on the coconut stall, and because my wife hates watching pensioner’s eat trifle, they put her on the tea tent. The tea tent is, of course, something of a contradiction. It serves tea, but the ‘tent’ part of the title only lasts ten minutes before it’s blown away.
This year we face the three main perennial problems, they are:
Effing ballache number one.
The tea tent has no access to water.
My solution is to get two of my best teenage waitresses, Pepsi & Shirley, plus one mature waitress, Vinegar Tits, to carry buckets of water from the cafe to the park.
Yesterday I timed them running with two full buckets, and Vinegar Tits beat Pepsi & Shirley by a nose. Problem solved.
Effing ballache number two.
We’ve heard on the grapevine that there is going to be trouble between rival gangs at the event. Apparently, the Kirkstall Krips are going to rock up and cause trouble with the Village Masif.
The Police have warned us that if it is sunny, we may be swamped by groups of topless males drinking cans of Stella, who are more than likely to be accompanied by ‘women of easy virtue‘.
This concerns me because the coconut stall is the first stop for any drunken gangsta wanting to show off his hunting skills to the easily virtuous, or Big Bev as she’s known locally.
Working the shy for the past few years has taught me that nothing turns a woman on more than seeing her man win a coconut. I think it’s how Mark Antony wooed Cleopatra. It probably went like this:
Antony: “I give to you, Queen Cleopatra, the entire southern provinces of Rome and Gaul, and this coconut, which I won first throw; didn’t need the other two balls.”
Cleopatra: “Eeeeh thanks, Mark. Let’s shag.”
Thankfully, the committee has decided to hire three bouncers, and I’m getting two of them. The spare bouncer is guarding the other potential hotspot for trouble: the tombola stall.
Effing ballache number 3.
New members of the committee always try and make a name for themselves by coming up with something ‘fresh & exciting’ for the school fair, which has the effect of infuriating the rest of the committee.
The ‘fresh & exciting’ idea is always the same: donkey rides. It’s a complete non-starter because it’s easier to get insurance to go to the moon than it is to allow a toddler to ride on a sixty-year-old donkey called, Bluebell on school property.
This year our fresh idea is: Classic Cars. Unfortunately, someone has typed ‘Plastic Cars’ on all the posters.
A table full of plastic cars is not much of a crowd-puller, but we don’t want to be criticised for misleading the public. My solution is to place a table displaying plastic cars next to the classic cars, just in case someone has turned up with the sole intention of viewing small plastic cars.
Crap Raffle Prizes.
No piece about a school fair would be complete without a rogue’s gallery of crap raffle prizes.
This is the booty that we came home with this year. It’s the usual suspects I’m afraid. Unfortunately, I don’t have a picture of the inflatable hammer, because it burst the very first time my daughter smacked me in the nuts with it.
Crap talc set.
The crap talc set is great for office workers because they can re-gift it for their secret Santa.
Unidentified toy animal.
If anyone can tell us what animal this is supposed to be we would be very grateful. I’m thinking; startled chicken. The manufacturers have gone to great lengths to add the belly button, so it’s obviously an animal known world-wide for its belly button.
Sideways glance monkey.
Everyone needs a cuddly toy that expresses disapproval through its eyes.
A pensioner eating trifle.
The wife will be pleased. Not sure where we’re going to put it though.
Unofficial Hulk merchandise.
I love this. Not sure which feature gave the game away to me first that this wasn’t an official Hulk toy. Think it was the teeth, then the eyebrows and the fact that one arm is way bigger than the other.