Things I hate in my house that I have to look at everyday.

Overstuffed bowl of crap.


This thing will haunt me till I die and then it will somehow gain the power of walking and visit my tombstone; the bastard. Passers-by will see the bowl and add their own crap to it, until one day it becomes so vast that my mortal remains become part of the bowl of crap itself. It’s the circle of life: birth, death, bowl of crap.

As you can see, the overstuffed bowl of crap is full of all the things you need to keep handy in case of an emergency such as, a red stapler with no staples in it, just in case I want to pretend to staple something. One snap card, that basically sums it all up. A Peppa pig purse you can’t fit anything in and a plastic tray full of grapes.

The grapes appear from nowhere. They burst onto the scene somewhere between the hours of 4 and 5pm on Wednesdays. I am planning to stake out all entrances next week so that I can spot the leak in my defences and then block up their point of entry. I don’t mind the grapes myself, it’s just the plastic tray. I know that once the grapes have been eaten, the plastic tray will stay in the bowl of crap for a further two weeks before it is jettisoned from the mother ship, at which point all the other bits of crap will hold their traditional farewell party, which involves buying more grapes.

We could all learn about how to deal with immigration from the crap bowl; anything and everything is welcome within its borders. Black or white, stapler or spent battery, all are treated equally. It’s essentially a swinger’s club for bric-a-brac.

The Pleasure & Pain Chair.


My kid made this thing at primary school and it scares the life out of me, but I am unable to get rid of it because my wife is sentimentally attached to it. If she could find a magnet big enough it would be on the fridge door right now.

It looks like any other craft item from the front, but on the back it is full of spikes; pleasure and pain. Plus, to add to the freakish nature of what is just some Crunchy Nut boxes painted a luminous green, he made it with a kid at school who I have always been wary of because he is a sloppy eater; give that kid a bowl of spaghetti hoops and you better buy yourself a raincoat.

Using the stairs as shelves.


If any member of my family is unable to stuff anything more into the overstuffed bowl of crap, they put it on the stairs. They think that the stairs are a never ending parade of shelves, that they can also use to get upstairs.

This is either a symptom of rank laziness on my family’s part, or they are trying to kill me. I once found three bowls of jelly and an empty tray of grapes on there. By found, I mean stood in, toppled over and crashed to the bottom.



22 thoughts on “Things I hate in my house that I have to look at everyday.

    • This is true Dan. The advantage of a crap bowl is that if i want to know where a piece of crap is, it’s all in one spot which saves me time, which means I can get back to watching Pointless. which is a game show where contestants are rewarded for storing bits of crap information in their brains

  1. Oh this is SO reassuring. But you only have a *bowl* of crap? You’re winning, my friend. We’ve got whole friggin *boxes* of it. And shelves, and nice paper carrier bags full of all the crap from the kitchen table that we didn’t have time to clear away properly the last time we had friends round and are now languishing in the kitchen waiting for someone to deal with it. We actually have a box with WTF on it, that has moved house with us. Twice. And that’s before we’ve even mention the Hudsons. Those piles of paper that you can’t file because Something Needs To Be Done With Them but for which there is no other obvious home. Hudson as in ‘Hudson, deal with it’ from Aliens…
    And the stairs. We’re actually getting better at the stairs. I’m enforcing the ‘taking something up with you and put it away immediately’ strategy. I think we currently only have one stair that’s adorned with a random selection of crap. Current contents, if memory serves is: 2 hair clip, one sock that dropped out of the basket on its way up, 1 reading book for DD2, 1 pair of knickers that actually needs to go back to school, a tube of shower gel that I’ve forgotten to take up for days, meaning I’ve had to nick the kids’ stuff, nail scissors and multiple hair bobbles. Oh, and a massive book about Titanic. That’s providing a bit of extra support for the rest of the crap.
    Solidarity, mate.

    • haha, Hudson’s a brilliant umbrella term for undesignated chores. My lad’s got a massive book about Penguins that an Amdram company could easily use as a temporary stage.

  2. Oh the bowl of crap. Watch out for it – it can overflow and take up as much as a fifth of your kitchen and become a thing that your spouse shows to guests as proof how how unreasonable you are, even when it’s all toddler crap and empty staplers and grapes.

    A variation on the bowl of crap is the bowl of socks – an occasional experiment in keeping all the child socks in one place, and allowing the children a mirage of independence by allowing them to CHOOSE THEIR OWN SOCKS in the morning. This is a great idea in theory, but it eventually fills up with crap (see above) and the socks wander off to wherever it is that childrens’ socks go. Back to M&S, I presume.

    • haha…some of the crap in the crap bowl have clubbed together and bought a second holiday home on top of the microwave, which they migrate to at weekends and drive the property prices up, so that crap indigenous to the microwave has now been displaced to surrounding areas.

  3. This cracked me up. Our plastic grapes tray with (I’m ashamed to say) the storks remaining has just been removed from our ‘gubbins bowl’. Love your work

  4. Fucking hell Boff – you’ve always been a legend – from the days sitting next to you following in your footsteps as an insurance advisor to stalking you in your blogs nowadays – nothing has changed though buddy – you’re still as funny as fuck !!!

  5. Pingback: I Didn’t Win

  6. Absolutely crying, this is so entertaining, thanks for sharing and making my cheeks ache! Out of the sheer brilliance, the Pleasure & Pain Chair paragraph just had to be read several times!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s