I am a 43 year-old dad of two living in Calverley, and I suppose you’re going to expect me to say that I engage in all the usual Saturday morning dad stuff like, pottering around in the shed, bike rides in the park or nipping down to the bank to check the balance on my secret account. But no, my Saturday mornings involve two bacon butties and a slice of guilt release.
My son is ten years-old and his SATS are looming large on the horizon. If you’re unfamiliar with SATS, they are the exams taken in the final year at primary school and can ultimately determine if your kid secures one of the top ranking classes at Big school.
The stakes are high. It’s the difference between your offspring hanging around with Lenny ‘Frog Breath’ Pearson or Giles Fortesque the third.
So, how do you tip the balance in your favour? Personally, I’ve started sending my son for booster lessons with a woman known locally in the village as: The ‘Clever Woman’. That’s the beauty of a village, your name denotes what you do. But I’m not the only one. Dads all over the village are sending their kids to similar gifted individuals such as: The Violin Man and Skateboard Pete.
This is our routine. I get up about 9am, have my first bacon butty and let my boy go on Minecraft for just 10 minutes. One hour later I drag him off the computer, put a pencil in his hand and off we go. We have a nice twenty minute walk up to St Wilfrid’s Church, take a scenic tour around the graveyard and then onto the Clever Woman.
We have been going for three weeks now and each week my son has walked into the wrong house. I have asked her to put quadratic equations and house remembering on the syllabus. Then I nip up to the local cafe, have my second bacon butty and trot back after thirty minutes to pick him up. I pay my fiver, look at my kid, who is now £5 more cleverer than when I dropped him off, and we head home past all the violin playing skateboarders.
By expanding my son’s brain by £5, all my Dad guilt just melts away and I can now relax for the rest of the day. If you’re not sure what Dad guilt is, it’s a build up of remorse that occurs when your kid wants some attention and you cry off by saying that you are too busy cooking the tea but are really just trying to watch Pointless.